I'm re-reading one of my all time favorite books called, "He Loves Me" by Wayne Jacobson.
This statement caught my attention this week, "Because sin was consumed in Jesus on the cross, there is absolutely no condemnation or guilt for anyone who lives in him. You can taste this miracle of the cross every day. Now you can be with your Father just as you are, still in the process of transformation, and NOT have to hide anything. You can share with him your darkest secrets as you learn from him how to walk free of them. He knows you CANNOT FIX YOURSELF and only waits for you to RECOGNIZE IT and invite his help." (emphasis added)
Let's be honest here shall we? How honest are you really? Do you really act how you feel or do you act how you think you should feel? I'm here to tell ya, this gal acts like she knows she should feel.
Huh? Do what?
Or I act like I think I should act because somebody told me to. Or the Bible told me to. Or a book told me to. Or my husband told me to. Or peer pressure told me to. Or my kindergarten teacher told me to. You get my drift.
Some facts (and opinions): as a Christ follower I already know that the devil is the master of deception. For the longest time, I believed that all of my problems in life had nothing to do with me. I blamed everybody and everything. Yes, I was the victim. I blamed my parents for not raising me a certain way, I blamed my husband that I had a bad marriage, I blamed my friends for making me be bad....blah, blah, blah.
Then one day I woke up. Or let's say that God took a layer of mud off my eyes. I realized that I was to blame for my junk. I started reading books and really looking inside instead of outside. I really wanted a better life and I was going to get it by changing myself. I started reading books about marriage, books about parenting, books about this and that. Life is getting better and it's because I looked inside and started to change myself. Wow, I am so disciplined, it's incredible.
Now follow this conversation that I've had with many, many other women in the past few years....
"I just don't know what I'm going to do. My husband is such a jerk. He never does anything right." she said.
My reply, "Have you really looked in the mirror? You know if you want to change your situation you really need to look at yourself. It must be something that you are doing wrong. If you do what your supposed to do then it will all work out."
(Okay, this part is in my mind ONLY) How can these people be so blind to their stuff. Why don't they just wake up and see that they are also to blame. I got to see my stuff, they need to see theirs. I saw my stuff and I fixed it. I did it. I made my marriage better by changing myself.
I am so much better because I was able to fix myself!
I know what your thinking because I'm thinking it too....."How judgmental and stupid can you possibly be Elizabeth??"
Okay, back to the main point! Again, I can see! Another layer of mud comes off. God has opened my eyes, yet again. Who says that God doesn't heal the blind today. He heals my blindness quite often!
Have you ever noticed how when YOU decide that YOUR going to CHANGE something about yourself it seems pretty darn short lived? I have. I've decided to respect my husband, I've decided to love my children unconditionally and bring them up in the instruction and discipline of the lord. I've decided to stop being a glutton and stop worshipping anything but God. I've decided that I'm going to put others first. I've decided that I'm going to love God with all my heart, mind and soul. I've decided alot haven't I? I can tell you this....I haven't mastered not ONE of those things. Not ONE! I might can do some of those things part of the time, but all the time?? Forget it!
My realization: I really think that God wants me to be real! He wants me to be real because he already sees who I really am! He already knows my true deep down feelings inside. He wants me to realize that I'm not perfect and realize he is and realize that HE can FIX ME! When I allow God to fix me then I'm depending on God for my righteousness. Ouch, that stings for someone like me who likes to do it herself or depend on herself or compare herself to others because "by George--- I did it---, why can't you??!!" Yes, I'm still judging. You know why?? Because I haven't really repented for that and I haven't asked God to change me. Maybe I'm scared! Who knows.
What's crazy about this whole thing is that I truly believed that to have a better life was to look in the mirror and change myself. (yes, another lie told to me by you know who!)
My current perception on the matter is that the Holy Spirit will lead me to the mirror! The Holy Spirit will tell me what to pray. I feel my Spirit telling me to pray, "heal me from the inside out." Now, do I have to be specific in what I'd like to change about my heart? I don't know. I do feel like when it says in the Bible that the Holy Spirit tells us what to pray that it does just that.
So, what do we do from here? I'm not 100% sure. Maybe we don't do anything. Maybe we wait for the Holy Spirit to show us where we are trying to fix things in our lives. I do believe God is waiting for me to figure out that self-effort will only get me so far. That it takes him to carry me all the way, to fix me all the way. The only thing I know to do at this point is ask God to show me the stuff inside of me that needs to be healed and then ask him to heal me there.
Just one more reason I love God, he waits for me to realize I can't fix myself and then waits for me to ask for his help. I love God!
Thank you God for waiting for me. Thank you for allowing this blind woman to see. Thank you for your unconditional love for me. Thank you for your unconditional love for my husband and my children. Thank you for your unconditional love for those that read this blog! Thank you for your unconditional love for everyone that you've created! Thank you for loving me no matter how I really feel inside. Thank you for loving me through the process of transformation and for loving me through all of my distorted perceptions of you and of life in general! Again, I love you!
Living Loved,
Elizabeth
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